a music thing.

this is a thing i meant to do years ago. i think it's amusing. i may be wrong.
basically, it's meant to create a soundtrack to that biopic movie about your
life in which you're always supposed to know who to cast.

1. open your music library
2. put it on shuffle
3. press play
4. for every question, type the song that's playing
5. when you go to a new question, press the next button
6. don't lie and try to pretend you are cool...

here are my results as a playlist on spotify (just about, check below for notes).

opening credits: oh, well by professor longhair
one could do much worse. i can imagine an
eighties montage style start to a movie with
this tune. incidentally, professor longhair's
band is called the shuffling hungarians.

waking up: what good am i? by tom jones
amazing! a dylan cover from the welshman's
latest album that is all about self-loathing. this
is not going to be a happy movie. sample lyric:
"what good am i? / if i say foolish things / and
i laugh in the face / of what sorrow brings". i
think, perhaps, i'm waking up on a park bench.
that has actually happened.

first day at school: hot thing by prince
erm. a little bit filthy for my schooldays. perhaps
it is a flashback dream bit where i am cooler.

falling in love: yer so bad by tom petty
"oh, yer so bad / best i've ever had". a brilliant song.
i'll leave you to make your own conclusions. suffice it
to say that my show is sort of about heartbreak.

fight song: just the way you are by billy joel
beautiful song. is it really a fight song? i'm gonna have
to question the director's decision here. unless they've
done it all slo-mo and arty. ok. i take it back. that could
be very eloquent. i hope it's a good fight.

breaking up: let's pretend we're bunny rabbits by the magnetic fields
brilliant. ill-advised break up sex. lots of it. sample lyric:
"i can keep it up all night / i can keep it up all day / let's
pretend we're bunny rabbits / until we pass away".

school ball: guess the time by king creosote
this song's only 1:08! i guess i'm not there for long. too busy being
protagonistic, i guess. [NB song not on spotify].

life's ok: asmarina (my asmara) by mulatu astatke
of course everything's ok! there's ethiopian jazz playing! although, if
old mulatu is talking about asmara, he is presumably eritrean. either
way, it's a corking tune. and you should well listen to the rest of the
ethiopiques series of records. [NB this song isn't on spotify, so the play-
list i'm assembling will include an alternate mulatu astatke song].

mental breakdown: my wandering days are over by belle & sebastian
that makes sense. i didn't live anywhere for longer than 18 months
until i was eleven. and then i lived in bangladesh for six years. i imagine
that if i do suffer a catastrophic mental collapse it will have something
to do with a sense of dislocation. but... *sniff*... don't worry about men.

driving: perhaps vampires is a bit strong but... by arctic monkeys
this works. not much to say about that fact. it's an alright song.

flashback: she's the one by the beta band
only one of the best songs ever to soundtrack MY nostalgic flashback.
it already sounds like a hallucinogenic dream sequence. soft focus please,
mr director. let child actor me pout!

getting back together: dave the butcher by tom waits
i can't help thinking that this doesn't augur well for the reconvened
relationship. it's a strange organ instrumental with banging of pots.

wedding: i feel like the mother of world by smog
"god is a word / and the argument ends there". i expect it shan't be a
church service, then. it's a lovely, lilting song that isn't on spotify... so
you should buy it. the album is called 'a river ain't too much to love'.

birth of a child: buenos aires by andrew lloyd webber (from evita)
no.

final battle: bitch by the rolling stones
amazzles. great stuff.

death scene: buddy bradley by adam green
some mid-tempo madness from ex-moldy peach. it's alright. but i'll
be dead so don't mind.

funeral song: if i am a stranger by ryan adams
"if i am a stranger now to you / i will always be". that works doesn't
it? i am a huge adams fan, but it seems to me that his best work is
behind him. at least while he stays happy. BORING.

end credits: cousins by vampire weekend
i think this is the opening credits for 'the kids are alright'. worst bit
of the movie. but not cos of this song. this song is swell.

while making the spotify playlist, i stumbled across this. i think i might
listen to this a lot. peru? really? brilliant.

abort and adopt (a card game)

a card game what i invented. with some help from my friend lewis and some refining from my friend evil. i invented it (with the above caveats) last summer when i was living in a warehouse (read "converted office") with eight or so people. so there was always someone with whom one could have a glass of wine with at night - and play cards.

the game itself is a sort of poker variant (i've invented one in the past - the inimitable (and very stupid) "sloppy seconds": five card draw, two swaps (one with the pack, one to the left), you must swap two cards both times, twos are wild). if the previous parenthetical text is confusing, i'm sorry. you might not get the rest of this. i'm not going to explain poker here. just this version.


the game can be played by two or three players - either has its merits - but no more as there are not enough cards in the deck. (i believe that lewis has played with two decks and five players). each player has a five column layout as above... so that's one card in the first column, two in the second etc. KEY POINT: everyone forgets this, even when i tell them that everyone forgets it. you must make a poker hand (five cards) from all five columns. that's one from EACH column.

play is as follows:

• turn over the first card (column one). examine the state of play. if betting, round one of betting is now. betting is strictly unnecessary.
  
• pick up the next two cards (column two). place them back down, one face up.
• examine the second column of the player to your left (the only other player if playing heads-up). choose one of them to be discarded, i.e. aborted. next round of betting.
• third column. two face up. abortion. betting.
  
• fourth column. two face up. (this round is called the "victorian terrace" because it is two up, two down). abortion. betting.
  
• fifth column. three face up. abortion... and then... adoption. examine the third, fourth and fifth columns of the player to your right (also the only other player if heads up). take one of these cards and add it to one of your columns.
• final round of betting. see who is the winner.

now. that makes it sound a lot more complex than it is. once you've played a couple rounds you get it. but, crucially, it is very difficult to be good at. mainly because of the baffling proliferation of options as the rounds go on.

if you do try it, let me know.

lungwidge.

{apol reason="not posting"} deeply sorry {/apol}

tuesdays are, i rediscover, to be concerned with language. i cannot think of much pertinent to write. i have resolved, therefore, in the interests of actually writing this damoclean thing before i go out to my meeting (which should result in news) to crowbar a plug for my preview shows via some tenuous discussion of language.

to this end, i am including, in the definition of language, punctuation. i am deeply interested in punctuation. i'm not sure why. i'm sure also that you will have noticed my dogged insistence on a lack of capitalisation. there is no clear reason for it in most cases, imho. punctuation, on the other hand, is indispensible if one wants to be clearly understood. it follows that i love e. e. cummings.

the actual corollary is in performance: the pauses and beats of delivering speech on stage (or camera) are as punctuation. that is, essential to the meaning and intention of the piece.

i invite you to come and judge the meaning and intention of my performance on the 18th of february if you are in london (facebook event, theatre website), or the 27th if you are in bristol (no link yet). other dates will happen, but that's all i know for sure.

it's a show where i discuss straight-to-dvd disney movies and heartbreak.

five months and a bit.

that's how long it has been since i posted on this. that is, frankly, a bit of a disgrace. it is reconstructive surgery day (the day after boxing day... what? it'll catch on. you'll see) and i am seated on a seat in the family seat in t'yorkshire, groggy from the joy of cricket and its entailed late night drinking gin lime sodas.

it's a monday. and my previous stricture has lain down music as the topic du jour. and so, i share with you a playlist (spotify link). it's called ODDER/WETTER and hopefully has a couple ting that you don't yet know. i made it while pootling about on spotify on the related artists bit. the starting point was the tallest man on earth (youtube link), a swedish singer-songwriter with an early-dylan-shaped indentation in the part of the cerebral cortex responsible for english pronunciation. he is also an impressive enough folk guitar basher and in possession of the honour of being one of only two artists to which my wee brother has ever introduced me (the other is cold war kids). but the main thing about him is his wonderfully bonkers turns of phrase:

i know the leak is going to tell you
there ain't now puppy in your leash
so now he'll fertilize the roses
so I could stay the king you see

lovely.

also, there's some first aid kit (swedish teenage sisters), slow club (sheffield folk) and scout niblett (nottingham miserabilist and bonnie prince billy acolyte). on which note, i got a phone call from my friend andy on a friday morning a couple of weeks ago. our mutual friend could not take up his ticket to all tomorrow's parties at butlins minehead and did i want a spot in the chalet at a knockdown price. yes. yes, i did.

now. a festival at butlins that i didn't expect? pretty cool, yes? but wait a second. that's not all. all tomorrow's parties (for the uninitiated) is a festival curated by a single band. one band get to choose all the other artists on the bill and usually play a couple times themselves. this one was put together by godspeed you! black emperor. lots of people don't know who they are and subsequently don't find that exciting. but i do and did. they are easily my favourite miserable canadian post-rock band and they should be yours.

much fun was had by all and i made some lovely new friends but the highlight was the fact that they'd picked weird al to close the main stage. ludicrous and beautiful. see you tomorrow.

back in the caledonian hinterland

good morning. i am very excited to be back in edinburgh, prepping for shows. however, as it is a monday, i cannot talk too much about them. i have to focus on music, as per my previous category rule. briefly then, the shows i am, or might be, doing are as follows:

• the penny dreadfuls, 18:00, pleasance one
• gutted: a revenger's musical, 23:15, assembly ballroom
• i am directing six and a half loves by the redoubtable terry saunders, 15:15, pleasance beneath
• i will be hosting tom:foolery, the comedy night when only toms perform
• i may do a solo show... thom tuck goes straight to dvd - more info laters

as it is a monday, i thought i would share with you my favourite playlist off of from spotify what i made. i made it for a friend (andrew pugsley) and all of the songs were recorded in the fifties. awesome much? yes. there is some elvis and cash and jerry lee lewis, but the fun proper gets going with professor longhair and his shuffling hungarians. yes. hungarians. shuffling. that is the name of professor longhair's band. it may well be the best song ever.

i hope you enjoy it.

if you'd have known i were coming, you'd have baked a cake

wednesday. and my pre-assigned topic is comedy. useful, as i have a gig to plug. not that anybody reads this. but when this night goes down in legend, there will be record of its happening that can be regarded as basically factual.

the night in question will be in london (more's the pity) and, specifically, soho and, even more specifically, in the escape bar on brewer street. it has to start on time (seven of the pm), cos the venue are being weird and have started advertising their (actually wildly enjoyable) trannyoke night as starting before we usually end. oh well. we're moving after this one.

the night is called tom:foolery, and is an evening of entertainment where all said entertainment is provided by people called thomas. to date we have had the likes of tom stade, tom parry off of pappy's fun club (he is julius in this clip) and devastatingly attractive best newcomer 2007 tom basden. i am the resident tom:pere...

the next one, though, is massive. we will have tom craine, tom deacon, tom price and the majestic tom wrigglesworth. and more toms than that. i shan't mention them all, as you'll get tom blindness. but on the seventh o' this month at seven pm, do make your way down to soho.

PS, if you're called tom, you get in for a quid.

tuesday... what are they again?

i have, along with the coterie (d, h, i & n) just got back from the caledonian hinterland. it was a reminder of many things about scotland. firstly, it's titting cold. secondly, i love it. thirdly, glasgow is the best gig you can ever do. seriously, well done glasgow. it's our fifth year at your lovely comedy festival and we'll be back.
the title of this post refers to the fact i have failed to update this blog six times a week (!) as i thought i would do. and consequently, i have forgotten what tuesdays are supposed to be.

*quickly checks

ah, yes. language. further to the last post, i thought i'd share a love of mine. many of the people who know me will have been subjected, at some point or another, to some caterwauling in spanish. i have, for some time, been mildly obsessed with ricky martin. now, i've only got three ricky albums (that's a small number isn't it? a small number). my favourite things on these miesterworks are the spanish language versions of songs that were hits in english.

y en un rincón, caímos juntos
en un rito de pasión
y al tocar su pielsenti el calor
yo puse el deseo, ella puso el control,
she bangs, she bangs

she does, it would appear, bang. there's no real accounting for the fact i like this. the rest of my record collection is primarily white guys with white guitars. not that i'm proud of that, but it's true. if they've never done a dylan cover, then they probably don't figure highly in my most played artists...

i have sung these songs in spanish at karaoke, at karaoke circus and on my own while walking down hackney streets at night. they're proper good. but at least half of their appeal for me is the spanish language. they remind me that i have the ability to understand what someone speaking FOREIGN is saying. nuts. plus, the lyrics are often beyond stupid.


a case in point is the spanish version of livin' la vida loca (on other counts an exceptionally good song) where credulity stretches to breaking point.

la reina de la noche
la diosa del vudú
yo no podré salvarme
¿podrás salvarte tú?
la tela de la araña,
la uña del dragón
te lleva a los infiernos
ella es tu adicción...
te besa y te desnudo
con tu baile demencial...

it starts soberly enough with reference to the "queen of the night" (prescient, much?) and a "goddess of voodoo". so far, so silly. "i can't save myself" opines our ricky but wonders whether you could save yourself. then it really gets going... "the web of the spider, the nail of the dragon". we presume this is some sort of voodoo recipe, but it's never really explained. skip a bit about hell and we get to "te besa y te desnudo"... she kisses you and strips you. does she? ok. i don't remember that in the english. and then you're doing a "baile demencial" (an insane dance). just brilliant.

in all seriousness, though, good on him for coming out. it's been an open secret for years. i know a fella who overhead ricky martin bitching that george michael had stolen his boyfriend (this was back in 2001) so i've known since then. but i think we all knew.

but now you know that i love ricky martin.